by Roxanne Porter
1. Glacial Speed – Convinced that they’ve seen more signs of life on Mars than you have from your son, you petition NASA to point Landsat 7 away from Antarctica and toward your house, in order to detect his movements.
2. Illegal Substitution – His gym teacher informs you that, during a track meet, your son attempted to send in a pinch runner for his leg of a relay race. After being advised that this was against athletic commission rules, he promptly hailed a cab.
3. Fuzzy Math – While teaching your toddler to count to ten, you discover that the sequence she keeps repeating is the phone number for pizza delivery. On the bright side, you’re relieved to now know why she calls Dad “Papa John”.
4. Help Wanted – After mistakenly believing that you’ve caught a neighborhood kid rummaging through your trash, you learn that your son was in fact sub-contracting out his chores to schoolmates.
5. Still Life – While on a class field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, the curator mistook your daughter for a painting. If that weren’t bad enough, her first job out of high school was as a mannequin at Macy’s.
6. Cereal Offender – Whenever your boy sits down to breakfast, you could swear you hear the Rice Krispies go, “Snap, Crackle, and Plop”.
7. Save the Guppies – Your daughter’s fish have written the message “Wash Me” in the algae on the aquarium glass.
8. Labor Shortage – It takes more labor from you to get her out of the house these days than it took to get her out of you on the day she was born.
9. Home Room Service – Her principal calls to tell you that your daughter is passing around a petition for the school cafeteria to provide room service. And, of course, by passing it around we mean via email.
10. Toys For Lazy Tots – On her third birthday, she asked for a Tickle Yourself-I’m Tired-Elmo Doll.
by Roxanne Porter